I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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