I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
