I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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