It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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