If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
