I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
