Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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