I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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