You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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