he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
