and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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