She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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