Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
