Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
