I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
