so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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