party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
