TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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