I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
