I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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