i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
