I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
