you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
