she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
