I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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