I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
