I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
