Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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