They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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