I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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