i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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