getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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