Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
