remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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