We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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