Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
