That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
