her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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