I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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