Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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