she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
