Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
