the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
