update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
