only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
