evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
