based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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