sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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