So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
