Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
