You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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